Eeek. I just got back my HBSE mid-term, and I am shocked at the looks of it. My APA was way off base and the formatting got all screwy in translation from my e-mail to the professor's, so the paragraphs and spacing got all crazy. Obviously, I am being asked to edit and resubmit. I can't believe I handed in a paper that looks like this one. I'm a little ashamed at my performance, and obviously this is not the idea of myself I wish to convey, especially for a professor I have for the entire first year.
I'm finding it hard to take constructive criticism for a few reasons. One, we are obviously new at this and are trying to find our identities in the field, something we may not accomplish for a long time, or may never find. Taking critical blows start to feel personal when you are in need of encouragement.
Secondly. It's so hard to gauge how you are doing with only a few assignments making up your grade. It's such tremendous pressure to be in an environment where you should be allowed to make mistakes, but where one mistake with an assignment could cost you your grade. I guess that is why I'm being allowed to correct my paper and hand it back.
Thirdly, I've always had lower self-esteem about "being intelligent" or knowledgeable growing up, and while I was gaining confidence in myself as a student, I grabbed on to writing as something I enjoyed and could do expressively. I felt I could do this at New School more freely, but this curriculum seems stifling and unapologetic.
Grammatically, I admit that when editing an important, long paper, I OVER COMPLICATE to the point of incoherence. Run on sentences, waaaaaaaay too many commas, tense disagreement, loss of focus. I have amazed myself in recent times under pressure at the crap I can crank out. Plus, you end up writing these papers in such a way that the bulk of it gets done over a condensed time period, and you can't make sense of anything anymore. The thing is, we don't get a thorough enough explanation of assignments until we only have a few weeks left, and then it turns into crunch time and your brain can't breathe. I just keep feeling like I can do better, and I know I can. But it's just too much between stupid holidays coming up, and work, and not making rent, not sleeping, etc.....But enough of that.
I guess I'm just feeling inadequate. I wanted to be extraordinary, but I just don't have the energy to be the over-achiever right now. There also aren't enough hours in the day. Anyway. I've been saying how it feels like undergrad. Yeah? Well, I take it back. I would enjoy a little more freedom, especially when I feel it really is relevant to a point I'm making. But man! This professor just has his ways I guess. I guess you always have to listen to your editor.
bed time.
Monday, November 10, 2008
Monday, October 27, 2008
The little masters program that could...
Keeps on chugging along... I keep hearing my own sentiments echoed that this program barely feels overwhelming and more like undergrad. Maybe it's the feeling of public school again. At BMCC I felt similarly, at New School, I was more challenged and held more accountable. We are barely accountable for assignments and felt disconnected fom content. I like the whole blackboard aspect of blogging before class, because it keeps us engaged, but otherwise I'm having a hard time staying really invested, I hate to say. Everyone seems pretty cavalier about it. The school itself doesn't lend itself to forming an alliance among students really, who are too busy to treat it other than as a commuter school. I also am growing tired of this generalist work.
I enjoy my field placement, but know for a fact that being a caseworker at an agency for 40 hours a week, no surprise, is an exact example of what I DON'T aspire to do. It's pretty much like being a glorified secretary and is obviously something an MSW would be overqualified for, hence why the LCSW here is the supervisor. However, I love my colleagues and supervisor, I'm learning, I'm experiencing and I am enjoying my contact hours when I can get them.
My biggest dilemma with the program is my inability to support myself on $350 a week. I thought money at the restaurant would be as good as last year, but it's been really shitty, and I don't know what to do. I could work another shift, I suppose, if I could get it. I really do seem to find more free time than I could have imagined. Hmm.. Next year, that might become a problem though. I guess we'll just have ot see how rent gets paid this month.
Fuck.
I enjoy my field placement, but know for a fact that being a caseworker at an agency for 40 hours a week, no surprise, is an exact example of what I DON'T aspire to do. It's pretty much like being a glorified secretary and is obviously something an MSW would be overqualified for, hence why the LCSW here is the supervisor. However, I love my colleagues and supervisor, I'm learning, I'm experiencing and I am enjoying my contact hours when I can get them.
My biggest dilemma with the program is my inability to support myself on $350 a week. I thought money at the restaurant would be as good as last year, but it's been really shitty, and I don't know what to do. I could work another shift, I suppose, if I could get it. I really do seem to find more free time than I could have imagined. Hmm.. Next year, that might become a problem though. I guess we'll just have ot see how rent gets paid this month.
Fuck.
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Going going going...
I love Wednesdays here. I get to sit down with clients and go to groups. I've been really feeling more comfortable in my own skin around here, and I've been advocating for more responsibility and tasks, which I'm getting, yey! Doing my own research is nice, but not when I am trying to get all that I can out of this internship. I'm sure by the end, I'll know from start to finish how to handle a case, but for now, I just wish the learning part was more structured.
time for process recordings!
time for process recordings!
Monday, October 6, 2008
Gaining speed
So, after meeting with my supervisor on Friday, I have yet again reinforced how much I need guidance and structure, and to not be afraid to be assertive, make my presence know, and leave my door open. It has taken me a bit to realize my role here, and if I'm going to get on the ball here, I'm going to have to figure out a lot on my own. This is fine, I enjoy working alone, I just need to know where to start and would prefer some structure. Maybe I should mention that.
I had a great conversation with a friend last night by pretending, in a way, I was in a session. It makes really effective conversation with anyone when you are using good listening skills, and asking good, non-judgmental open-ended questions. I felt really confident and was aware of the levels of emotionality going on. I could tell when certain nerves were hit, or subject area was frustrating or unclear. I could draw out a list of goals based just on this one conversation, and that made me really confident in my upcoming meetings with clients. The important thing is that I don't get so wrapped up in my own processes that I forget to listen.
Its funny, there is a TON of down time here (hence the blogging) but don't want to give the impression that I don't want to be focusing on the agency. I will definitely express wanting to be more involved and needing some structure at my next supervisor meeting. I will also try not to stay up so late the night before my internship!
On the money front, I'll be just squeaking by. I was thinking about asking the parents for a small loan to get on top of things, but wouldn't you know, after being told that my private loan could go into deferment due to new rules involving grad school, all 8 people I talked to assured me of this and kept telling me "it's being processed" ten times, all of a sudden, deferment was never offered for grad students and now what was supposed to be retroactive payment deferment is now delinquent loans almost 30 days late! WHAT THE FUCK!!! This seems pretty fishy considering 8 people told me this thing was going through and I specifically mentioned my situation. couldn't have anything to do with Wachovia being bought and investment banks hurting, could it? Anyone who deals with your money will inevitably find a way to fuck you over.
Anyway. I guess that's just another thing I can't pay for. This country makes it impossible for people to be highly educated professionals. Medical doctors can't afford to go to school, let alone practice and pay of their $250,000+ worth of loans. Post-secondary education, even public, is an elitist institution promoting social darwinism. Survival of the trust-fund babies and independently wealthy. I'm moving to Montreal.
I had a great conversation with a friend last night by pretending, in a way, I was in a session. It makes really effective conversation with anyone when you are using good listening skills, and asking good, non-judgmental open-ended questions. I felt really confident and was aware of the levels of emotionality going on. I could tell when certain nerves were hit, or subject area was frustrating or unclear. I could draw out a list of goals based just on this one conversation, and that made me really confident in my upcoming meetings with clients. The important thing is that I don't get so wrapped up in my own processes that I forget to listen.
Its funny, there is a TON of down time here (hence the blogging) but don't want to give the impression that I don't want to be focusing on the agency. I will definitely express wanting to be more involved and needing some structure at my next supervisor meeting. I will also try not to stay up so late the night before my internship!
On the money front, I'll be just squeaking by. I was thinking about asking the parents for a small loan to get on top of things, but wouldn't you know, after being told that my private loan could go into deferment due to new rules involving grad school, all 8 people I talked to assured me of this and kept telling me "it's being processed" ten times, all of a sudden, deferment was never offered for grad students and now what was supposed to be retroactive payment deferment is now delinquent loans almost 30 days late! WHAT THE FUCK!!! This seems pretty fishy considering 8 people told me this thing was going through and I specifically mentioned my situation. couldn't have anything to do with Wachovia being bought and investment banks hurting, could it? Anyone who deals with your money will inevitably find a way to fuck you over.
Anyway. I guess that's just another thing I can't pay for. This country makes it impossible for people to be highly educated professionals. Medical doctors can't afford to go to school, let alone practice and pay of their $250,000+ worth of loans. Post-secondary education, even public, is an elitist institution promoting social darwinism. Survival of the trust-fund babies and independently wealthy. I'm moving to Montreal.
Friday, September 26, 2008
Looking up
Wow. The night after that last blog, I was thinking to myself how I wish I was a crier. Something in me was wishing there was an outlet for frustrations and stressors to get out. I watched a comedy with my boyfriend, and a the end (being delirious with fatigue) I was commenting on a funny joke. However, the moment I would get to describing the part I was referring to, I would start hysterically craking up with no reason. The laugher turned into tears streaming down my face, which then turned into actual crying with manic laughter interspurced. It was a strange moment, but let me know that there is something I am not doing to help me release my anxiety. I think, as tired as I am at the end of my week, it would be wise for me to find time to exercise.
Things are better. I got paid today and if I budget wisely, I should be able to pay rent and continue on, although a few extra hundred dolalrs would be nice. oh well. Times will be tight, but at least I have a few days to catch up on work. I think if I really stick to time management, this semester will be over before I know it.
I also got to see clients for the first time Wednesday, and it went over quite well! It's going to be a process to adjust to comfort levels, and when to be assertive, how to structure the session, etc. But so far, so good. I think I have established open communication and have begun to lay a foundation for mutual trust. I'm gonig to get the hang of my process recordings, shich seem to be a means of monitoring transference. It's going to be a good learning tool, but also seems difficult to get started. Who can remember verbatim what is discussed in an hour and a half session? I think i'ts counter productive to be scribbling down every word just to record later as well.
It also surprises me that I haven't met resistence with anyone yet. It seems a lot of people really need an outlet for talk, sometimes to the point of aggressively chattering as if they have no one ot talk to at all when they aren't at program, which sadly could be true. I will be careful what I wish for, however. I'm sure there will be some tough nuts to crack.
more later.
Things are better. I got paid today and if I budget wisely, I should be able to pay rent and continue on, although a few extra hundred dolalrs would be nice. oh well. Times will be tight, but at least I have a few days to catch up on work. I think if I really stick to time management, this semester will be over before I know it.
I also got to see clients for the first time Wednesday, and it went over quite well! It's going to be a process to adjust to comfort levels, and when to be assertive, how to structure the session, etc. But so far, so good. I think I have established open communication and have begun to lay a foundation for mutual trust. I'm gonig to get the hang of my process recordings, shich seem to be a means of monitoring transference. It's going to be a good learning tool, but also seems difficult to get started. Who can remember verbatim what is discussed in an hour and a half session? I think i'ts counter productive to be scribbling down every word just to record later as well.
It also surprises me that I haven't met resistence with anyone yet. It seems a lot of people really need an outlet for talk, sometimes to the point of aggressively chattering as if they have no one ot talk to at all when they aren't at program, which sadly could be true. I will be careful what I wish for, however. I'm sure there will be some tough nuts to crack.
more later.
Monday, September 22, 2008
Broke....and complaining.
Ugh.. This sucks. I'm exhausted, and all I can think about is wondering how the hell I am going to pay my rent along with bills and eating. It's a little sick that eating is the first thing I can scale back on without financial turmoil to follow, let's not mention health consequences. I find myself wondering how many days in a row I can eat oatmeal 3 meals a day, or afford a 6" sandwich from subway. I haven't eaten a vegetable in days, and god knows I'll probably get fat due to zero time to exercise. Also, the shittiest food imaginable is also the cheapest, so if I get really hungry and need a "meal" for $3, that may be my only option.
I'm also too exhausted and pissed/depressed to make good use of my time today as I sit agenda-less at FP. And the neighborhood is getting to me. I can't walk down the street without seeming to upset someone for my mere presence. I can't afford to do the laundry either. And, my school loans are a fucking trap and require me to make a payment due to slow "processing time" in my deferment papers, but I guess I wasn't looking for someone to be reasonable in THAT department. This sucks. It's 4 weeks in and I already am burned out. The real work hasn't even started to get going yet. But I said I was going to do this, so I guess I just have to be miserable for the next two years. Miserable and broke.
I'm also too exhausted and pissed/depressed to make good use of my time today as I sit agenda-less at FP. And the neighborhood is getting to me. I can't walk down the street without seeming to upset someone for my mere presence. I can't afford to do the laundry either. And, my school loans are a fucking trap and require me to make a payment due to slow "processing time" in my deferment papers, but I guess I wasn't looking for someone to be reasonable in THAT department. This sucks. It's 4 weeks in and I already am burned out. The real work hasn't even started to get going yet. But I said I was going to do this, so I guess I just have to be miserable for the next two years. Miserable and broke.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
MSW Internship-and the beginnig of my social work career.
The first few weeks of school have been hectic, but good so far. I am trying to maintain my sanity with my CONSTANT running to class, to FP (filed placement) straight to work until midnight or after and repeat. I work, have class hours and attend FP for about 56+ hours a week, plus homework and research. It leaves very little time for fully focusing and truly absorbing reading, but I think as themes and theories are compounded by life experience, fp, and research, they will sink in more. I am enjoying the curriculum, and the course load seems manageable if I buckle down every spare moment. I hope my friends don't disown me, but there will be little time for leisurely dates.
My FP is at a small agency uptown that deals with finding services for clients on parole, work-release or recently having served a full sentence. We find housing, services, and provide group work support for relapse prevention and anger management, and provide general counseling and support. I hope to take advantage of my contact hours as much as possible and hope to establish myself as a dedicated and caring worker. The staff is young and very relaxed, fun and encouraging, so I feel at home already. Direct care really provides a forum for that. I think the work deals so much with people and caring that it is emotionally straining enough for people to impose strict rules and not act like a family anyway with their common compassion for the clients.
I also value the fact that I am working in Harlem, and within a short subway ride become a minority in a neighborhood that prides itself on its people, sometimes to the point of making their neighborhood minorities uncomfortable, or unwanted feeling. I accept the challenge and keep my head held high, feeling empathy for the fact that for these residents, this microcosm I thrive in for a few hours a week is possibly their global reality.
Wow. I just sat in on my first real day of interacting with clients. Working with this new population I think is going to be wonderful, and trying, and full of falter and learning. Even though I knew to be cautious of it, I've already been struck with the realization that I need to discard any pretenses and just be myself if I am to be affective with these clients. I surely took in more than I can put into words today, and I'm sure there will be lots of observations to follow. I found the familiar comfort that I found working with the MR/DD population, people in need are people in need, and there aren't a particular set of gloves to handle them with. The underlying draw of empathy and desire to provide care usurps any preconceived notions of marginalized populations, and it is such a liberating thing to experience.
Sitting in the anger management group, everyone went around to say something about themselves. Some shared more than others, and some went into real detail about their depression and loss in the past few months. I listened actively, but felt a bit helpless, wanting to be able to say something magical or offer something. Then, I was kinda put on the spot by the facilitator and nervously tried to offer something to a participant. It's going to be a long way to go before I feel like I'm am in the green and am free to speak and have something of value to offer.
After the ice was broken, the second group, relapse prevention, was much better for me. I felt accepted, and the group made a point to invite me in. I felt proud of them, they were strong and supportive and really on each others' sides. At one point, someone got emotional and everyone was cheering him on, proclaiming their love, and one man got up to embrace him. As I sat next to him, I resisted the urge to rub his back like I would one of my MR/DD guys. It was really beautiful to see the common strength of the group supporting their peer. Human strength and beauty truly reside in us all, no matter how we are labeled or what mistakes we have made. It makes me value life more. Value freedom, and choice and acceptance. Well, time for sleep now, btu more reflection to come.
My FP is at a small agency uptown that deals with finding services for clients on parole, work-release or recently having served a full sentence. We find housing, services, and provide group work support for relapse prevention and anger management, and provide general counseling and support. I hope to take advantage of my contact hours as much as possible and hope to establish myself as a dedicated and caring worker. The staff is young and very relaxed, fun and encouraging, so I feel at home already. Direct care really provides a forum for that. I think the work deals so much with people and caring that it is emotionally straining enough for people to impose strict rules and not act like a family anyway with their common compassion for the clients.
I also value the fact that I am working in Harlem, and within a short subway ride become a minority in a neighborhood that prides itself on its people, sometimes to the point of making their neighborhood minorities uncomfortable, or unwanted feeling. I accept the challenge and keep my head held high, feeling empathy for the fact that for these residents, this microcosm I thrive in for a few hours a week is possibly their global reality.
Wow. I just sat in on my first real day of interacting with clients. Working with this new population I think is going to be wonderful, and trying, and full of falter and learning. Even though I knew to be cautious of it, I've already been struck with the realization that I need to discard any pretenses and just be myself if I am to be affective with these clients. I surely took in more than I can put into words today, and I'm sure there will be lots of observations to follow. I found the familiar comfort that I found working with the MR/DD population, people in need are people in need, and there aren't a particular set of gloves to handle them with. The underlying draw of empathy and desire to provide care usurps any preconceived notions of marginalized populations, and it is such a liberating thing to experience.
Sitting in the anger management group, everyone went around to say something about themselves. Some shared more than others, and some went into real detail about their depression and loss in the past few months. I listened actively, but felt a bit helpless, wanting to be able to say something magical or offer something. Then, I was kinda put on the spot by the facilitator and nervously tried to offer something to a participant. It's going to be a long way to go before I feel like I'm am in the green and am free to speak and have something of value to offer.
After the ice was broken, the second group, relapse prevention, was much better for me. I felt accepted, and the group made a point to invite me in. I felt proud of them, they were strong and supportive and really on each others' sides. At one point, someone got emotional and everyone was cheering him on, proclaiming their love, and one man got up to embrace him. As I sat next to him, I resisted the urge to rub his back like I would one of my MR/DD guys. It was really beautiful to see the common strength of the group supporting their peer. Human strength and beauty truly reside in us all, no matter how we are labeled or what mistakes we have made. It makes me value life more. Value freedom, and choice and acceptance. Well, time for sleep now, btu more reflection to come.
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