BURNTOUT!

Wow. I don't know if the prospect of the two week expiration limit on this semester has caused a bought of senioritis, or if I'm just checking out because I'm super burnt out? I won't even mention the rent struggle, because we all know that that will be an ongoing monthly question, of: will I or won't I make rent?
I feel exhausted, disorganized, checked-out, inattentive, uncaring, defeated, short-tempered...ugh...I just need a weekend to turn my brain off. I feel like I can't get in-tune with what I really need, and can't monitor my moods. I can't concentrate worth a damn and practically refuse to finish the little lingering projects I have to do. I really guess you could sum it up as me running out of steam.
It was a good long-hual. I just need one more proactive day to knock-out the little things. I think this weekend, is already counted for for two paper writing projects. I just hope that I can give them the time and energy they deserve.
Chritmas should be fun, but it seems more like a pain in the ass then anything else this year. I guess it is nice to have something to look forward to, and we have some nice plans for mom and dad, so it will be a good day, but I'm too broke not to be a little bit of a scrooge. I also feel like I'm putting out my Mom who is working herself crazy to help out with tuition and pretty much run the household. However, without the little christmas bonus coming my way, I don't think that I could stay on top of rent for December and January. I'm not shopping or over-spending. I could always be a little fruggle and do ramen noodles, but there is a limit to how stressed and malnurished one can be at the same time, I should think.
I'm been dissociating with my little future day dreams of a well-paying job in the quiet suburbs, financial reliability, a clock-in-clock-out schedule, ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh.....I need to remind myself of why I decided to take-on such a gruelling schedule, and it all comes back into focus. I just wish I could metabolize the material more and process the content in a more intelectual way. My last few responses to reading have been shorthand bullshit, but I don't have much choice.
a month off from class will hopefully have me eager again for next semester.
I really wish I coudl find a therapist. I find that turning 25 has got me all shaken up in the quarter-life crisis type of way. My personality dictates that I not be sound in just about any decision I make, so I'm in a constant flux. Maybe it's jsut the process of discovery that is leading me to lots of difference conclusions. Shit if I cna pin ponit it.

Ahhhh. just typing feels better. I just needed to vent, even though I don't feel like I ever stop talking about these things. It helps to see them in concrete in order to prioritize them. I also hope I can consolidate some of this information when I slow down for a minute and do some thinking..Well, gotta go try and do some reading. I hope it works.

mid-terms and finals-writing and grading...

Eeek. I just got back my HBSE mid-term, and I am shocked at the looks of it. My APA was way off base and the formatting got all screwy in translation from my e-mail to the professor's, so the paragraphs and spacing got all crazy. Obviously, I am being asked to edit and resubmit. I can't believe I handed in a paper that looks like this one. I'm a little ashamed at my performance, and obviously this is not the idea of myself I wish to convey, especially for a professor I have for the entire first year.
I'm finding it hard to take constructive criticism for a few reasons. One, we are obviously new at this and are trying to find our identities in the field, something we may not accomplish for a long time, or may never find. Taking critical blows start to feel personal when you are in need of encouragement.
Secondly. It's so hard to gauge how you are doing with only a few assignments making up your grade. It's such tremendous pressure to be in an environment where you should be allowed to make mistakes, but where one mistake with an assignment could cost you your grade. I guess that is why I'm being allowed to correct my paper and hand it back.
Thirdly, I've always had lower self-esteem about "being intelligent" or knowledgeable growing up, and while I was gaining confidence in myself as a student, I grabbed on to writing as something I enjoyed and could do expressively. I felt I could do this at New School more freely, but this curriculum seems stifling and unapologetic.
Grammatically, I admit that when editing an important, long paper, I OVER COMPLICATE to the point of incoherence. Run on sentences, waaaaaaaay too many commas, tense disagreement, loss of focus. I have amazed myself in recent times under pressure at the crap I can crank out. Plus, you end up writing these papers in such a way that the bulk of it gets done over a condensed time period, and you can't make sense of anything anymore. The thing is, we don't get a thorough enough explanation of assignments until we only have a few weeks left, and then it turns into crunch time and your brain can't breathe. I just keep feeling like I can do better, and I know I can. But it's just too much between stupid holidays coming up, and work, and not making rent, not sleeping, etc.....But enough of that.
I guess I'm just feeling inadequate. I wanted to be extraordinary, but I just don't have the energy to be the over-achiever right now. There also aren't enough hours in the day. Anyway. I've been saying how it feels like undergrad. Yeah? Well, I take it back. I would enjoy a little more freedom, especially when I feel it really is relevant to a point I'm making. But man! This professor just has his ways I guess. I guess you always have to listen to your editor.

bed time.

The little masters program that could...

Keeps on chugging along... I keep hearing my own sentiments echoed that this program barely feels overwhelming and more like undergrad. Maybe it's the feeling of public school again. At BMCC I felt similarly, at New School, I was more challenged and held more accountable. We are barely accountable for assignments and felt disconnected fom content. I like the whole blackboard aspect of blogging before class, because it keeps us engaged, but otherwise I'm having a hard time staying really invested, I hate to say. Everyone seems pretty cavalier about it. The school itself doesn't lend itself to forming an alliance among students really, who are too busy to treat it other than as a commuter school. I also am growing tired of this generalist work.
I enjoy my field placement, but know for a fact that being a caseworker at an agency for 40 hours a week, no surprise, is an exact example of what I DON'T aspire to do. It's pretty much like being a glorified secretary and is obviously something an MSW would be overqualified for, hence why the LCSW here is the supervisor. However, I love my colleagues and supervisor, I'm learning, I'm experiencing and I am enjoying my contact hours when I can get them.
My biggest dilemma with the program is my inability to support myself on $350 a week. I thought money at the restaurant would be as good as last year, but it's been really shitty, and I don't know what to do. I could work another shift, I suppose, if I could get it. I really do seem to find more free time than I could have imagined. Hmm.. Next year, that might become a problem though. I guess we'll just have ot see how rent gets paid this month.
Fuck.

Going going going...

I love Wednesdays here. I get to sit down with clients and go to groups. I've been really feeling more comfortable in my own skin around here, and I've been advocating for more responsibility and tasks, which I'm getting, yey! Doing my own research is nice, but not when I am trying to get all that I can out of this internship. I'm sure by the end, I'll know from start to finish how to handle a case, but for now, I just wish the learning part was more structured.
time for process recordings!

Gaining speed

So, after meeting with my supervisor on Friday, I have yet again reinforced how much I need guidance and structure, and to not be afraid to be assertive, make my presence know, and leave my door open. It has taken me a bit to realize my role here, and if I'm going to get on the ball here, I'm going to have to figure out a lot on my own. This is fine, I enjoy working alone, I just need to know where to start and would prefer some structure. Maybe I should mention that.
I had a great conversation with a friend last night by pretending, in a way, I was in a session. It makes really effective conversation with anyone when you are using good listening skills, and asking good, non-judgmental open-ended questions. I felt really confident and was aware of the levels of emotionality going on. I could tell when certain nerves were hit, or subject area was frustrating or unclear. I could draw out a list of goals based just on this one conversation, and that made me really confident in my upcoming meetings with clients. The important thing is that I don't get so wrapped up in my own processes that I forget to listen.
Its funny, there is a TON of down time here (hence the blogging) but don't want to give the impression that I don't want to be focusing on the agency. I will definitely express wanting to be more involved and needing some structure at my next supervisor meeting. I will also try not to stay up so late the night before my internship!
On the money front, I'll be just squeaking by. I was thinking about asking the parents for a small loan to get on top of things, but wouldn't you know, after being told that my private loan could go into deferment due to new rules involving grad school, all 8 people I talked to assured me of this and kept telling me "it's being processed" ten times, all of a sudden, deferment was never offered for grad students and now what was supposed to be retroactive payment deferment is now delinquent loans almost 30 days late! WHAT THE FUCK!!! This seems pretty fishy considering 8 people told me this thing was going through and I specifically mentioned my situation. couldn't have anything to do with Wachovia being bought and investment banks hurting, could it? Anyone who deals with your money will inevitably find a way to fuck you over.
Anyway. I guess that's just another thing I can't pay for. This country makes it impossible for people to be highly educated professionals. Medical doctors can't afford to go to school, let alone practice and pay of their $250,000+ worth of loans. Post-secondary education, even public, is an elitist institution promoting social darwinism. Survival of the trust-fund babies and independently wealthy. I'm moving to Montreal.

Looking up

Wow. The night after that last blog, I was thinking to myself how I wish I was a crier. Something in me was wishing there was an outlet for frustrations and stressors to get out. I watched a comedy with my boyfriend, and a the end (being delirious with fatigue) I was commenting on a funny joke. However, the moment I would get to describing the part I was referring to, I would start hysterically craking up with no reason. The laugher turned into tears streaming down my face, which then turned into actual crying with manic laughter interspurced. It was a strange moment, but let me know that there is something I am not doing to help me release my anxiety. I think, as tired as I am at the end of my week, it would be wise for me to find time to exercise.
Things are better. I got paid today and if I budget wisely, I should be able to pay rent and continue on, although a few extra hundred dolalrs would be nice. oh well. Times will be tight, but at least I have a few days to catch up on work. I think if I really stick to time management, this semester will be over before I know it.
I also got to see clients for the first time Wednesday, and it went over quite well! It's going to be a process to adjust to comfort levels, and when to be assertive, how to structure the session, etc. But so far, so good. I think I have established open communication and have begun to lay a foundation for mutual trust. I'm gonig to get the hang of my process recordings, shich seem to be a means of monitoring transference. It's going to be a good learning tool, but also seems difficult to get started. Who can remember verbatim what is discussed in an hour and a half session? I think i'ts counter productive to be scribbling down every word just to record later as well.
It also surprises me that I haven't met resistence with anyone yet. It seems a lot of people really need an outlet for talk, sometimes to the point of aggressively chattering as if they have no one ot talk to at all when they aren't at program, which sadly could be true. I will be careful what I wish for, however. I'm sure there will be some tough nuts to crack.

more later.

Broke....and complaining.

Ugh.. This sucks. I'm exhausted, and all I can think about is wondering how the hell I am going to pay my rent along with bills and eating. It's a little sick that eating is the first thing I can scale back on without financial turmoil to follow, let's not mention health consequences. I find myself wondering how many days in a row I can eat oatmeal 3 meals a day, or afford a 6" sandwich from subway. I haven't eaten a vegetable in days, and god knows I'll probably get fat due to zero time to exercise. Also, the shittiest food imaginable is also the cheapest, so if I get really hungry and need a "meal" for $3, that may be my only option.
I'm also too exhausted and pissed/depressed to make good use of my time today as I sit agenda-less at FP. And the neighborhood is getting to me. I can't walk down the street without seeming to upset someone for my mere presence. I can't afford to do the laundry either. And, my school loans are a fucking trap and require me to make a payment due to slow "processing time" in my deferment papers, but I guess I wasn't looking for someone to be reasonable in THAT department. This sucks. It's 4 weeks in and I already am burned out. The real work hasn't even started to get going yet. But I said I was going to do this, so I guess I just have to be miserable for the next two years. Miserable and broke.

MSW Internship-and the beginnig of my social work career.

The first few weeks of school have been hectic, but good so far. I am trying to maintain my sanity with my CONSTANT running to class, to FP (filed placement) straight to work until midnight or after and repeat. I work, have class hours and attend FP for about 56+ hours a week, plus homework and research. It leaves very little time for fully focusing and truly absorbing reading, but I think as themes and theories are compounded by life experience, fp, and research, they will sink in more. I am enjoying the curriculum, and the course load seems manageable if I buckle down every spare moment. I hope my friends don't disown me, but there will be little time for leisurely dates.

My FP is at a small agency uptown that deals with finding services for clients on parole, work-release or recently having served a full sentence. We find housing, services, and provide group work support for relapse prevention and anger management, and provide general counseling and support. I hope to take advantage of my contact hours as much as possible and hope to establish myself as a dedicated and caring worker. The staff is young and very relaxed, fun and encouraging, so I feel at home already. Direct care really provides a forum for that. I think the work deals so much with people and caring that it is emotionally straining enough for people to impose strict rules and not act like a family anyway with their common compassion for the clients.

I also value the fact that I am working in Harlem, and within a short subway ride become a minority in a neighborhood that prides itself on its people, sometimes to the point of making their neighborhood minorities uncomfortable, or unwanted feeling. I accept the challenge and keep my head held high, feeling empathy for the fact that for these residents, this microcosm I thrive in for a few hours a week is possibly their global reality.

Wow. I just sat in on my first real day of interacting with clients. Working with this new population I think is going to be wonderful, and trying, and full of falter and learning. Even though I knew to be cautious of it, I've already been struck with the realization that I need to discard any pretenses and just be myself if I am to be affective with these clients. I surely took in more than I can put into words today, and I'm sure there will be lots of observations to follow. I found the familiar comfort that I found working with the MR/DD population, people in need are people in need, and there aren't a particular set of gloves to handle them with. The underlying draw of empathy and desire to provide care usurps any preconceived notions of marginalized populations, and it is such a liberating thing to experience.

Sitting in the anger management group, everyone went around to say something about themselves. Some shared more than others, and some went into real detail about their depression and loss in the past few months. I listened actively, but felt a bit helpless, wanting to be able to say something magical or offer something. Then, I was kinda put on the spot by the facilitator and nervously tried to offer something to a participant. It's going to be a long way to go before I feel like I'm am in the green and am free to speak and have something of value to offer.

After the ice was broken, the second group, relapse prevention, was much better for me. I felt accepted, and the group made a point to invite me in. I felt proud of them, they were strong and supportive and really on each others' sides. At one point, someone got emotional and everyone was cheering him on, proclaiming their love, and one man got up to embrace him. As I sat next to him, I resisted the urge to rub his back like I would one of my MR/DD guys. It was really beautiful to see the common strength of the group supporting their peer. Human strength and beauty truly reside in us all, no matter how we are labeled or what mistakes we have made. It makes me value life more. Value freedom, and choice and acceptance. Well, time for sleep now, btu more reflection to come.

Dream last night

It started in a coffee shop (that doesn't actually exist) around the corner from my apartment. I was dressed for work I think. I remember Matt being there. It was time for me to return home to get ready, so I turned to leave, telling the guy at the counter that I would pay him later as my pockets were empty.
My apartment was a high-rise and I was on one of the top floors. I went up to get my stuff when catastrophe struck and the building next-door collapsed onto my building (like Cloverfield). Jason (brother) had to walk up the fallen building to help me gather my things. Just as we were walking onto the roof to walk back down, the building started to fall and we became airborne, falling flights to our death and holding each other. We landed on the pavement by a subway stop, and I seemed to get up from my body and keep on with my day. I didn't look back to confirm if my body was on the pavement still or not.

I floated over to AMDA, where I was a first semester student again. It was like I had gone back in time though, as I had knowledge of the future, but everyone else I knew was there and 18 again. I felt empowered, this time I would succeed with my knowledge of the future. ("If youth knew; if age could."-S.F.) I left dance class to return to a basement apartment (Id?) that I shared with Tristan (boyfriend). People walked by the window, threatening to barge in. Two black men suddenly appeared in the room and I slapped and punched one in the eye, skewing it. they left us alone. I know there were other details, but I can't remember them now.

I am open to commentary and interpretation for those who feel they have a knack for it.

Let me start towards the end where the most remembered image stands out to me. So says wikipedia of Jung, "...the shadow sometimes overwhelms a person's actions, for example, when the conscious mind is shocked, confused, or paralyzed by indecision."
The man I punched is whom I identify as Jung's "shadow". After I assault him, his right eye turned crossed, a further conformation that he is meant to be my other half (my eyes were crossed as a child). He represents shame and danger in my house (Freud's "self") and I beat him out, or repress him. He also may represent indecision in the apartment that I share with my boyfriend. In fact, I rarely think about the shame I experienced as a child associated with the ridicule and thoughtless questioning of my peers, but I'm sure the deep seated damage has been done by it. Perhaps this is a leftover token used to help me associate the conflict and shame.

It's almost like the dream runs backwards. In this scenario, starting at the end with the man I punch, I am living in the city, it feels new and a little scary and then I go to AMDA. In reality after AMDA, my dreams, and my confidence were shattered (falling from the building) and I am moving into a new place in my current neighborhood where the beginning of the dream takes place. Here, I am up early and striving to work an "adult" job. (what I hope to soon be transitioning into). I am also broke and can't pay for a coffee, which adds commentary to my current conflict. Packing up and moving also adds current commentary as this was recently something that was being discussed between my boyfriend and I.

The apartment falling apart represents the condition of our apartment (New Yorky, a little rough around the edges and crammed full of crap) and the history with my roomates and their inability to be responsible for rent, a current and ongoing major stress in my life. The fact that my well-to-do brother, whom is very fiscally responsible, is the one helping me out of all of this and helping me "collect my baggage" makes sense now.

MSW interview today at Hunter

So, the group dynamic was great with interesting dialog. I was the last person to arrive, not my usual earliness, but it was fine. I hope I didn't seem over eager. It was surreal to be there and see our applications right there in the room with us. They mentioned that they are doing rolling admissions this year, so I really hope that NSU gets my degree posted by the end of the week like they said. Hunter said we should hear in about 6 weeks, so I am FREAKING OUT and crossing my fingers that I will have that freaking transcript in their hands by then. Maybe I'll drop it off personally. It was nice to see that not everyone there was direct practice, so maybe that increases my chances. I think there were 8 of us. Sigh... I also got an interview wit hthe teaching fellows, so we'll see about that as well. I wonder how many other sessions they had? PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let them accept me! I'm so excited and so scared.

New feelings on abortion

I wrote this for a film class in which last week we watched this documentary...I haven't been ale to stop thinking about it since, and I wonder how others feel about the conflict...I encourage discussion on this because I think everyone has a very unique opinion...

Lake of Fire

J.L.S

"Response to Lake of Fire"

October 9, 2007

In brief, I found this film extremely disturbing, which no doubt was the aim of the sickening imagery, but I am glad to know the undressed reality of the situation. The realities of abortion have been revealed to me; I have until now been ignorant about the specifics of the procedure and the developmental time line of an unborn child in the critical weeks, or disgustingly, months in which abortion is a possibility. I have always been pro-choice, and still am, but if my vote were to count for any abortion, any time, (aside from maybe saving the life of the mother) I wouldn't be able to stand by this decision. It sickens me that until recently, babies that could have the potential to live outside the womb prematurely had they been delivered were slaughtered instead. These lives were taken barbarically, and these babies suffered in agony. I cannot imagine being a living breathing person, and making a choice to rip apart my own child inside my own body due to my gross irresponsibility. Maybe worse, I cannot imagine being the physician who would do such a "procedure."
However, this being said, I would never count myself amongst the hypocritical killers for Christ, using their dogma to oppress the world in disagreement around them and abusing a should-be peaceful religion to mistreat and shame their fellow man. Religion in any extreme form throughout history has always amounted in mass conflict and/or the slaying of countless innocent people who simply didn't follow the grain of the doctrine. Something is truly wrong with these sociopathic people who believe that they are doing the work of God by killing another. However, this is also a blaring and extreme example of how I think people can choose to use Christianity as a scapegoat to commit hateful acts, especially through the teachings of the bible which thoroughly contradicts itself at times, even in its most basic fundamentals.
Still, my bottom line is that we as men and women should choose what to do with our bodies, not the government. You give them an inch, and they take a mile with our personal freedoms, and I wouldn't want to step any closer to fascism then we already have under the Bush administration. I do, however, applaud his ban on partial birth abortion which was long in due, and feel that there must be regulations on the practice.

On the other side of the coin, think about the population being about 51 million people larger, ( approx.1.5 million abortions a year X 34 years) coming from families or individuals who didn't want them, couldn't be parents, or couldn't afford to take care of their health and well being, or to nurture their minds and bodies. What would have become of our society in the last few decades as our youths seem to be becoming more sexually precocious? Trends have shown us what children from broken homes are like not having been properly nurtured, and how hard it is for children of inadequate parents to break the chain. It's a very tough call to make, and I can see benefits and tragedies to both ends.

I have felt passionately about this topic for quite some time, and I think that combating the general ignorance about abortion is our first priority in making the best decision we can as a people, if it's even our decision to make. To this end, I believe sex education is of the utmost importance in our schools and families. Sugarcoating or avoiding the facts about sex and abortion will only amount in tragedy for individuals who weren't provided the opportunity to be more informed, and make smarted decisions. This is the root of the problem, and this is where we need to start, although those strongly opposing abortion strongly oppose this movement as well for the most part. For those who oppose exposing adolescents to lessons on sex, it seems a little more like denial and less like wishful thinking that all young people will deny their human desires and instincts because they weren't alerted to the facts of life. I just can't see how denying the valuable education of the people most at risk for making these mistakes is a mission of the people who most want these mistakes to go away.

In conclusion, America needs to become more educated on the facts of abortion and sexual responsibility. We have the opportunities to provide this education on a larger scale, and to intervene before the problem can occur for many cases. We could have our personal liberty over our own bodies revoked and put in the hands of a faceless system, and losing this freedom could potentially be the start of losing many others. We can never wish the problem away, but we can provide truth and reason to those who will listen. I hope to see less and less abortion in the years to come, and (actually the rates are at their lowest as of late) and no more late terminations. For either side of the coin, however, this may be wishful thinking.

(c) 2008 JLS