That's it, I'm blogging it out!

Break has treated me well. I feel like myself again and am slowly beginning to realize that I will be back to the grueling schedule in about a week. But I am ready to dig in. In my spare time, I have read up on my own interests (Alan Watts, Dr. Bruce Perry-"The Boy who was Raised as a Dog".)

I've also been on a spiritual quest. Verbalizing my thoughts on religion vs. spirituality in terms of raising children with a moral backbone has led me to try to find a real way to define, engage and expand my spirituality, which mainly will involve nature, rhythm, cycles, and freethinking, enter: Alan W. Watts. I just don't like organized religion. I think religion has no place in spirituality because it is so indoctrinated and laced with politics. Why should politics and FEAR and admonishment and oppression go into my life lessons, my cathartic release, my essence, my unity, my spirit? It's mad.
Christianity is used to marginalize, to take strong written words misinterpreted to justify convicting people as less than, wrong or evil, and mainly, it misses the point of life on earth, every second, every day because it views life as a means to an end. I want my spirituality to allow me to find simple joys in life, to see good in people, to appreciate nature, the cosmos, love, breath, family, and so on. I feel like it is something that has always been with me, and is ready to blossom and take a strong part in everything I do. I'm looking for a mind, body and soul connection, and I suspect that some eastern philosophy would resonate with me. I've been going to yoga a lot and plan to use it as my exercise/stress release.

The more I think about social work, the more I am happy that this is the choice I've made. I had debated throughout the first semester whether or not I was settling, but I feel I have made the right choice. SW allows room for change and growth, it allows for freethinking and respect and acceptance. It doesn't pigeonhole you to one staunch theory that holds a mold to people. At New School, I thought I wanted to be a Freudian analyst, and though the principles are important and sometimes applicable, I'm finding that SW theory suits my eclectic nature. PhD's in Psychology don't often start their internships until the last year or two of study, and SW's foundation is in getting face time immediately. By the time the clinical license roles around, you have had as much or more supervised time as a clinician that a psych PhD does, and that is what matters. So I think it's unreasonable to say that a SW is less qualified or, how dare you, UNDERqualified.

The study has been wonderful. It's like a meld of sociology, social anthropology, psychology, policy, human behavior and practice theory. It has tickled so many new intellectual bones and sparked so many intellectual tangents and bouts of self-awareness. This is why I hope to blog more, so that I can look back and see how much I have grown. My confidence has waxed and waned, but I feel ultimately the better for it all. It's a nice journey to be on, and I'm glad that life has taken me here. My one wish for SW is that they can turn around their reputation so that people can understand the breadth of the work and knowledge within us.

BURNTOUT!

Wow. I don't know if the prospect of the two week expiration limit on this semester has caused a bought of senioritis, or if I'm just checking out because I'm super burnt out? I won't even mention the rent struggle, because we all know that that will be an ongoing monthly question, of: will I or won't I make rent?
I feel exhausted, disorganized, checked-out, inattentive, uncaring, defeated, short-tempered...ugh...I just need a weekend to turn my brain off. I feel like I can't get in-tune with what I really need, and can't monitor my moods. I can't concentrate worth a damn and practically refuse to finish the little lingering projects I have to do. I really guess you could sum it up as me running out of steam.
It was a good long-hual. I just need one more proactive day to knock-out the little things. I think this weekend, is already counted for for two paper writing projects. I just hope that I can give them the time and energy they deserve.
Chritmas should be fun, but it seems more like a pain in the ass then anything else this year. I guess it is nice to have something to look forward to, and we have some nice plans for mom and dad, so it will be a good day, but I'm too broke not to be a little bit of a scrooge. I also feel like I'm putting out my Mom who is working herself crazy to help out with tuition and pretty much run the household. However, without the little christmas bonus coming my way, I don't think that I could stay on top of rent for December and January. I'm not shopping or over-spending. I could always be a little fruggle and do ramen noodles, but there is a limit to how stressed and malnurished one can be at the same time, I should think.
I'm been dissociating with my little future day dreams of a well-paying job in the quiet suburbs, financial reliability, a clock-in-clock-out schedule, ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh.....I need to remind myself of why I decided to take-on such a gruelling schedule, and it all comes back into focus. I just wish I could metabolize the material more and process the content in a more intelectual way. My last few responses to reading have been shorthand bullshit, but I don't have much choice.
a month off from class will hopefully have me eager again for next semester.
I really wish I coudl find a therapist. I find that turning 25 has got me all shaken up in the quarter-life crisis type of way. My personality dictates that I not be sound in just about any decision I make, so I'm in a constant flux. Maybe it's jsut the process of discovery that is leading me to lots of difference conclusions. Shit if I cna pin ponit it.

Ahhhh. just typing feels better. I just needed to vent, even though I don't feel like I ever stop talking about these things. It helps to see them in concrete in order to prioritize them. I also hope I can consolidate some of this information when I slow down for a minute and do some thinking..Well, gotta go try and do some reading. I hope it works.

mid-terms and finals-writing and grading...

Eeek. I just got back my HBSE mid-term, and I am shocked at the looks of it. My APA was way off base and the formatting got all screwy in translation from my e-mail to the professor's, so the paragraphs and spacing got all crazy. Obviously, I am being asked to edit and resubmit. I can't believe I handed in a paper that looks like this one. I'm a little ashamed at my performance, and obviously this is not the idea of myself I wish to convey, especially for a professor I have for the entire first year.
I'm finding it hard to take constructive criticism for a few reasons. One, we are obviously new at this and are trying to find our identities in the field, something we may not accomplish for a long time, or may never find. Taking critical blows start to feel personal when you are in need of encouragement.
Secondly. It's so hard to gauge how you are doing with only a few assignments making up your grade. It's such tremendous pressure to be in an environment where you should be allowed to make mistakes, but where one mistake with an assignment could cost you your grade. I guess that is why I'm being allowed to correct my paper and hand it back.
Thirdly, I've always had lower self-esteem about "being intelligent" or knowledgeable growing up, and while I was gaining confidence in myself as a student, I grabbed on to writing as something I enjoyed and could do expressively. I felt I could do this at New School more freely, but this curriculum seems stifling and unapologetic.
Grammatically, I admit that when editing an important, long paper, I OVER COMPLICATE to the point of incoherence. Run on sentences, waaaaaaaay too many commas, tense disagreement, loss of focus. I have amazed myself in recent times under pressure at the crap I can crank out. Plus, you end up writing these papers in such a way that the bulk of it gets done over a condensed time period, and you can't make sense of anything anymore. The thing is, we don't get a thorough enough explanation of assignments until we only have a few weeks left, and then it turns into crunch time and your brain can't breathe. I just keep feeling like I can do better, and I know I can. But it's just too much between stupid holidays coming up, and work, and not making rent, not sleeping, etc.....But enough of that.
I guess I'm just feeling inadequate. I wanted to be extraordinary, but I just don't have the energy to be the over-achiever right now. There also aren't enough hours in the day. Anyway. I've been saying how it feels like undergrad. Yeah? Well, I take it back. I would enjoy a little more freedom, especially when I feel it really is relevant to a point I'm making. But man! This professor just has his ways I guess. I guess you always have to listen to your editor.

bed time.

The little masters program that could...

Keeps on chugging along... I keep hearing my own sentiments echoed that this program barely feels overwhelming and more like undergrad. Maybe it's the feeling of public school again. At BMCC I felt similarly, at New School, I was more challenged and held more accountable. We are barely accountable for assignments and felt disconnected fom content. I like the whole blackboard aspect of blogging before class, because it keeps us engaged, but otherwise I'm having a hard time staying really invested, I hate to say. Everyone seems pretty cavalier about it. The school itself doesn't lend itself to forming an alliance among students really, who are too busy to treat it other than as a commuter school. I also am growing tired of this generalist work.
I enjoy my field placement, but know for a fact that being a caseworker at an agency for 40 hours a week, no surprise, is an exact example of what I DON'T aspire to do. It's pretty much like being a glorified secretary and is obviously something an MSW would be overqualified for, hence why the LCSW here is the supervisor. However, I love my colleagues and supervisor, I'm learning, I'm experiencing and I am enjoying my contact hours when I can get them.
My biggest dilemma with the program is my inability to support myself on $350 a week. I thought money at the restaurant would be as good as last year, but it's been really shitty, and I don't know what to do. I could work another shift, I suppose, if I could get it. I really do seem to find more free time than I could have imagined. Hmm.. Next year, that might become a problem though. I guess we'll just have ot see how rent gets paid this month.
Fuck.

Going going going...

I love Wednesdays here. I get to sit down with clients and go to groups. I've been really feeling more comfortable in my own skin around here, and I've been advocating for more responsibility and tasks, which I'm getting, yey! Doing my own research is nice, but not when I am trying to get all that I can out of this internship. I'm sure by the end, I'll know from start to finish how to handle a case, but for now, I just wish the learning part was more structured.
time for process recordings!

Gaining speed

So, after meeting with my supervisor on Friday, I have yet again reinforced how much I need guidance and structure, and to not be afraid to be assertive, make my presence know, and leave my door open. It has taken me a bit to realize my role here, and if I'm going to get on the ball here, I'm going to have to figure out a lot on my own. This is fine, I enjoy working alone, I just need to know where to start and would prefer some structure. Maybe I should mention that.
I had a great conversation with a friend last night by pretending, in a way, I was in a session. It makes really effective conversation with anyone when you are using good listening skills, and asking good, non-judgmental open-ended questions. I felt really confident and was aware of the levels of emotionality going on. I could tell when certain nerves were hit, or subject area was frustrating or unclear. I could draw out a list of goals based just on this one conversation, and that made me really confident in my upcoming meetings with clients. The important thing is that I don't get so wrapped up in my own processes that I forget to listen.
Its funny, there is a TON of down time here (hence the blogging) but don't want to give the impression that I don't want to be focusing on the agency. I will definitely express wanting to be more involved and needing some structure at my next supervisor meeting. I will also try not to stay up so late the night before my internship!
On the money front, I'll be just squeaking by. I was thinking about asking the parents for a small loan to get on top of things, but wouldn't you know, after being told that my private loan could go into deferment due to new rules involving grad school, all 8 people I talked to assured me of this and kept telling me "it's being processed" ten times, all of a sudden, deferment was never offered for grad students and now what was supposed to be retroactive payment deferment is now delinquent loans almost 30 days late! WHAT THE FUCK!!! This seems pretty fishy considering 8 people told me this thing was going through and I specifically mentioned my situation. couldn't have anything to do with Wachovia being bought and investment banks hurting, could it? Anyone who deals with your money will inevitably find a way to fuck you over.
Anyway. I guess that's just another thing I can't pay for. This country makes it impossible for people to be highly educated professionals. Medical doctors can't afford to go to school, let alone practice and pay of their $250,000+ worth of loans. Post-secondary education, even public, is an elitist institution promoting social darwinism. Survival of the trust-fund babies and independently wealthy. I'm moving to Montreal.

Looking up

Wow. The night after that last blog, I was thinking to myself how I wish I was a crier. Something in me was wishing there was an outlet for frustrations and stressors to get out. I watched a comedy with my boyfriend, and a the end (being delirious with fatigue) I was commenting on a funny joke. However, the moment I would get to describing the part I was referring to, I would start hysterically craking up with no reason. The laugher turned into tears streaming down my face, which then turned into actual crying with manic laughter interspurced. It was a strange moment, but let me know that there is something I am not doing to help me release my anxiety. I think, as tired as I am at the end of my week, it would be wise for me to find time to exercise.
Things are better. I got paid today and if I budget wisely, I should be able to pay rent and continue on, although a few extra hundred dolalrs would be nice. oh well. Times will be tight, but at least I have a few days to catch up on work. I think if I really stick to time management, this semester will be over before I know it.
I also got to see clients for the first time Wednesday, and it went over quite well! It's going to be a process to adjust to comfort levels, and when to be assertive, how to structure the session, etc. But so far, so good. I think I have established open communication and have begun to lay a foundation for mutual trust. I'm gonig to get the hang of my process recordings, shich seem to be a means of monitoring transference. It's going to be a good learning tool, but also seems difficult to get started. Who can remember verbatim what is discussed in an hour and a half session? I think i'ts counter productive to be scribbling down every word just to record later as well.
It also surprises me that I haven't met resistence with anyone yet. It seems a lot of people really need an outlet for talk, sometimes to the point of aggressively chattering as if they have no one ot talk to at all when they aren't at program, which sadly could be true. I will be careful what I wish for, however. I'm sure there will be some tough nuts to crack.

more later.