mid-terms and finals-writing and grading...

Eeek. I just got back my HBSE mid-term, and I am shocked at the looks of it. My APA was way off base and the formatting got all screwy in translation from my e-mail to the professor's, so the paragraphs and spacing got all crazy. Obviously, I am being asked to edit and resubmit. I can't believe I handed in a paper that looks like this one. I'm a little ashamed at my performance, and obviously this is not the idea of myself I wish to convey, especially for a professor I have for the entire first year.
I'm finding it hard to take constructive criticism for a few reasons. One, we are obviously new at this and are trying to find our identities in the field, something we may not accomplish for a long time, or may never find. Taking critical blows start to feel personal when you are in need of encouragement.
Secondly. It's so hard to gauge how you are doing with only a few assignments making up your grade. It's such tremendous pressure to be in an environment where you should be allowed to make mistakes, but where one mistake with an assignment could cost you your grade. I guess that is why I'm being allowed to correct my paper and hand it back.
Thirdly, I've always had lower self-esteem about "being intelligent" or knowledgeable growing up, and while I was gaining confidence in myself as a student, I grabbed on to writing as something I enjoyed and could do expressively. I felt I could do this at New School more freely, but this curriculum seems stifling and unapologetic.
Grammatically, I admit that when editing an important, long paper, I OVER COMPLICATE to the point of incoherence. Run on sentences, waaaaaaaay too many commas, tense disagreement, loss of focus. I have amazed myself in recent times under pressure at the crap I can crank out. Plus, you end up writing these papers in such a way that the bulk of it gets done over a condensed time period, and you can't make sense of anything anymore. The thing is, we don't get a thorough enough explanation of assignments until we only have a few weeks left, and then it turns into crunch time and your brain can't breathe. I just keep feeling like I can do better, and I know I can. But it's just too much between stupid holidays coming up, and work, and not making rent, not sleeping, etc.....But enough of that.
I guess I'm just feeling inadequate. I wanted to be extraordinary, but I just don't have the energy to be the over-achiever right now. There also aren't enough hours in the day. Anyway. I've been saying how it feels like undergrad. Yeah? Well, I take it back. I would enjoy a little more freedom, especially when I feel it really is relevant to a point I'm making. But man! This professor just has his ways I guess. I guess you always have to listen to your editor.

bed time.